12.31.2007

Portland, meet Olde...part 2 [Guest Blog]



A while back, I wrote a blog giving an in depth look into the
deep dimensions of Olde. Now, thanks to Ian, our readers are getting another look at the mystic himself.

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Not much is known about the renowned wizard by the name of Olde. Here is what is known:

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry was, until recently, an actual school dedicated to teaching magic to adolescents with magical abilities. However, once Olde took a tour of the grounds, he decided the school catered to too many gypsy teachings and Olde destroyed the school, and all of its students, with a simple flick the wrist. To make sure no witch or wizard would question his power, Olde killed Dumbledore with a karate chop from his mind. The Harry Potter series is the government’s elaborate cover-up to conceal the truth about the non-existence of wizards in today’s world.

When Olde was a child he decided to skip puberty and gave himself the ability to grow a beard. As a true testament to his power, Olde decided to wait to grow facial hair until he was 18.

Olde invented a cure for both cancer and AIDS. When he was 12. He only uses the cure for people he views as “interesting” or “helpful to mankind.” This explains Magic Johnson, Tom Green, and “Hacksaw” Jim Dugan

The Twin Towers did not fall because of terrorist actions. The Towers actually fell because Olde felt they were blocking the view of the ocean from his enormous, invisible mega-castle located on top of the control tower of JFK Airport.

On Olde’s voter registration card he marks "Alchemist" as the political party he associates with.

5 comments:

Pork said...

With all your magical powers, why is that dufus, George, still in office? I am sure you must have a master plan there somewhere, Oldie. Anarchy and Alchemy, what a prospect.

Oldie said...

Goddamnit, Ian...I'm still laughing.

Sluggy said...

Olde - if you have these magical powers and magnificent foresight, why did your "soapbox" leak?

By the way, Pork - George will be out soon...just hold on to your bunched panties!

Oldie said...

Slug...I failed to recognize the crack in our soap mold because, at that particular moment I was deeply engaged spiritually in the 13th dimensional parallel of existence, locked in a bitter struggle with my arch-nemesis, the Evil Wizard, known to some as Ragman Pete. I had much bigger worries on my mind, like the survival of our planet, than a microscopically important matter such as foo foo lavender bars.

Pork...indeed, maintaining Dubya's so-called "Presidency" has, alas, been my doing. But be patient, child, in time you will come to know the majestic foresight that I have acted upon in keeping him from the hangman's noose.

DonDada said...

I attest that everything in this article is factual and accurate. I know this because i was the one who mixed the chemicals together in the test tube to make him!