8.07.2007

Breaking News from Months Ago!

It's once again that time for a round of Oldie's random outdated "news" tidbits. And there was much rejoicing (or was that groaning?):

-Just a heads up to our readers who are located within the fallout zone of a potential nuclear bomb attack here in Portland. Apparently the Feds and our local leaders have joined hands in the spirit of collaboration and terrorism playacting to host two months of "emergency preparedness" drills. Sometime this month "Operation Noble Resolve" (who comes up with this shit?) will strike the streets of Stumptown, with "Operation TOPOFF 4" to follow at some point in October. The plans call for the pseudo-detonation of either a dirty bomb or a nuclear weapon (nucular if you speak Bushese) here in town to simulate another terrorist incident on the scale of the attacks of September 11th...locals are understandably upset and have begun to lobby our leaders to put an end to this silliness before it even begins. In my research I also came across this gem of a video created by a man named Scott Owen ("It's not my real name, but it's not really a fake name." Your mind just exploded.) who claims to be a contract agent for the DIA (Defense Intelligence Agency) brought in to assist local responders prepare for TOPOFF 4. If you didn't get your daily fix of crazy with that clip, another odd film crafted by this secret agent man can be viewed here.

-Brought to you by the makers of the Another Whiteboy's Attempt at Hijacking Black Culture, Rapper in a Box(TM), Junior Bush's brain, Karl Rove was caught on camera spittin' a few rhymes (well, the same line over and over) and attempting a dance that could only be described as a karate chopping Penguin (from the Batman film) doing the Robot.



-Scientists are in the midst of scientifically celebrating the unscientific regrowth of hobby store salesman Lee Spievack's severed finger...yeah, you read that right...not re-attachment, but re-growth. Homeboy sliced off his finger tip and his brother, a researcher at Harvard, mailed him a powder made from pig bladders, which he was to apply every two days for four months, after which said finger grew back. Apparently the implications are staggering, and researchers are jumping at the possibility of using this knowledge to help soldiers regrow limbs lost in battle, amongst a myriad of other uses. The collective sighs of ecstatic anticipation from circumcised men everywhere wishing for a last fling with their foreskin could be heard round the globe.

-A few months ago, in the wake of the Virginia Tech shooting, Ceasefire Oregon hosted their annual Portland gun turn-in. Basically, young hoodlums and crazed survivalists can anonymously bring their weapons to a pre-determined drop-off location, and to ease the loss of their precious peashooters they get their pick of either a gas card or gift certificate to the local grocery store, New Seasons, each worth $50. Sounds like a good deal...that is, until you discover what other states and countries are giving folks for their deuce deuces. Chicago gives former gun owners a $100 pre-paid Mastercard for the eventual/inevitable purchase of porn mags and Schlitz Malted Liquor. In Mexico City, people can trade in their hand guns for an Xbox, including a few games, courtesy of those sweethearts at Microsoft who saw a great way to increase their customer base and get rid of all those returned Xbox 360s suffering from the "Ring of Death." If those same Chilangos also decided to offload a few of their higher-caliber assault rifles, then they'd be awarded with a computer worth 8,500 pesos (equivalent to $769 US). Even better (worse?), in New York City, if you know of a neighbor who is in possession of an illegal handgun, you can inform on him/her and receive $500 in cold, hard cash. I'd rat out my gun nut neighbor Paul for that amount anyday.

-Here's a tourist event to add to your "Never Attend" list. At least 11 people (including two children) were killed at an annual kite-flying celebration in eastern Pakistan. Cause of death? Celebratory gunfire and kite strings reinforced with metal or glass-coating used to sever the kite strings of competitors, along with their throats apparently. Ouch, talk about a takliif deh way to die.

-I'll end this unusually morbid news collection on a feel-good, warm fuzzy note. The late Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic's corpse was unearthed earlier this year, after which a two-foot long stake was driven through his heart. According to Serb folklore, Milosevic was a vampire, and there was fear of him returning from the dead. Anyone up for a trip to Ronald Reagan's grave site before he resurrects?

2 comments:

luckygreen said...

I knew I had reason to be suspicious of Paul.

USJFCOM PAO said...

What's Really Happening at Noble Resolve

For a view of what Noble Resolve 07-2 is really about, check out this live blog by Robert Pursell from U.S . Joint Forces Command Public Affairs. He's posting directly the experiment floor.

http://www.jfcom.mil/newslink/storyarchive/2007/pa082207.htm

SPC. Andrew Orillion
USJFCOM Public Affairs Office