A Malenky Bit of Real Horrorshow News

While Jeff's been out of the Stump, getting into adventures with our old goblinators in Cali, I've been laying low, keeping my nose to the pulse of the world, absorbing these interesting little nuggets of truth, scandal, fruitless revenge, and awkward sex:

• According to Anna Nicole Smith's official autopsy report, the overdosed former-sexpot's anus was "unremarkable." We can all sleep again, praise Bog.
• The world's tallest man has been officially recognized, and quite surprising, he's a herdsman from Inner Mongolia. Bao Xishun was recorded at the disturbingly giantish height of 7 feet 9 inches...and after a nation-wide search for a bride (probably to eat her as most giants are prone to do), this overgrown beast selects a woman over two feet shorter than him (5 feet 6 inches). But visions of uncomfortable sex (or amazing standing blowjobs), shouldn't be what one takes away from this story. No...Bao should be immortalized in your mind as the savior of dolphins. You see, apparently the surgical procedures in the Liaoning province of China are a bit behind the times, as after two dolphins at a local aquarium ingested some deadly plastic chunkers, they called Bao Xishun in to handle business with his obscenely long arms after their own equipment failed at the task. That's right, the local government called in the nation's tallest man to reach into the gullet's of these mammal floaters with his rookers to scrub out some plastic nibblers. Giants rock!
• Surprising to none, Newt "I'd Rather be Sucking Off Bao" Gingrich hates immigrants and poor people. At the National Federation of Republican Women, he proclaimed "We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto." Here's a campaign slogan that'll really get you into La Casa Blanca..."Rich Whitey Trash for the Xenophobic Salamander!" He's got my vote (for a quick tolchock to his grahzny gulliver).
• To show you just how effective the global warming/protect the environment campaign has been on the general public, let's compare 2005's plastic bottle recycling rate of 23% with 1995's rate of 40%...speaks for itself, doesn't it? We talk, but are forgetting how to walk.
• Pirates everywhere Arrrrrrred once the news reached them (via scabby parrots, I'm sure) that Edward Teach's ship was finally discovered. To the peg-less, visually intact, and sword-phobic, Teach is better known as muthafuckin' Blackbeard.
• An enraged Alaskan moose attacked and destroyed an airborne helicopter full of observing tourists. Unfortunately, no humanoids were injured, and the moose was executed afterwards. Disgustingly Intrusive Manlings: 1, Righteous Rebels of Nature: 0.

Whah, whan...