Bloodletting is all the rage.

Apologies are in order. I recently purchased a new computer, but as of yet haven't hooked up to the internet yet. The reason for this isn't sheer laziness, but the fact that I don't know how to get my computer connected to the internet outside of the free AOL discs that plague our mailboxes. I have to let you in on a dirty little trick of mine...I have been using the internet for close to eight years now without paying a dime for my service with American Online. You see, I load up those "Free 30 Day Trial" CDs, then call up to cancel a day or two before the trial period expires to avoid the monthly charge..."Why are you wishing to cancel you AOL membership, Sir?" "My wife is in the hospital...I lost my job...I was recently in an accident...I'm the victim up identity theft and someone cleared my bank account out...I was recently abducted by Secret Service agents who pulled out my fingernails and now I can't type...etc." Anyway, without fail, the phone representative gives me an additional two free months to get back on my feet financially. Sometimes they cancel my account when I call up, but then I just pop in one of the dozen or so extra trial discs stored in my computer desk and get another month free. They never caught on that I was sticking their company for hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in free internet access. I'm not sure whether it's my conscience finally catching up to me (not likely, 'cause AOL can go fuck themselves in the face for making billions off of their shitty service and mucking up the environment with all of their junkmail), or the fact that my last computer died a sad death due to all the spyware and trash that AOL installed on my computer each time I downloaded a new disc. To make a long story short, due to never having paid for the internet, and not wanting to use AOL ever again now that I have a brand-new bank account-breaking computer, I don't know how to sign up for any other type of access to the internet...and the blog has been neglected as a result, for which I am deeply sorry. Like anyone but Green and I actually read this crap. So I find myself sitting here in the Library, stinky and unshaven, encased in my writer's bathrobe.

Little tidbits:
-Last weekend after an exciting scoreless seven innings of Beavers baseball (fuck the Padres farm team housed here in Ptown...we went to watch the opposing Fresno Grizzlies, the Giants minor league team...oh, and FUCK THE DODGERS while we're on the subject), Jeff, Kes and I were heading back to NE Portland on the MAX (Stumptown's version of the Yay's BART) when I found myself blowing my nose. Just to be funny, I made a pained screeching honk sound mid-blow that came out a lot louder than I had planned. The whole car stared at me for the next 20 minutes holding in giggles, while Jeff and Kes laughed their asses off...I know, it's not funny in the slightest, but Jeff insisted that I write about it for some reason.
-A few weeks ago, Jeff and I were enjoying a crisply-carbonated beer beverage bubbler at Beulahland, the local hangout for alchoholic fiends and trivia buffs. We both happened to be repping our Frisco hats, when this skater comes up to us and starts throwing up signs. This dude was like 3 foot 4, looked like he had had a few too many cases of beer. Neither of us recognized any of the signs he was tossing up, when it hit us...this dude was deaf and wasn't trying to initiate a fight of any kind. Busting out a pen and sliding over a napkin, we initiated a brief conversation about the Bay Area and S.F...he missed it "Big Time" (I still have the napkin...I collect random useless shit like that all the time) and hailed from the Mission District. I think we were best friends for those five minutes. He then abruptly got frustrated with our lack of deaf language skills, threw up some more signs, and bounced, dragging his skateboard out with him.
-I was in Kaiser Permanente the other day for a physical (really it's just an excuse to get my nuts jostled by my elders once in a while), and while in line, the guy in front of me says "I'm here for the bloodletting." I don't think I even have to comment on that.
-I recently watched a film called Half Japanese, a "documentary" about the indie band of the same name. For the life of me I can't tell if this is a mockumentary or a serious documentation of the prepping of this midwestern band for the next Beatlemania. Somebody please go rent it and let me know what the hell is going on here. A challenging film, fo' sho'...it's truly good to not know whether or not you're being fucked with sometimes.
-I had been putting in office supply requests at work for black ink pens several weeks in a row, with no results. Finally I went directly to my supervisor, a complete limpdick who goes home "sick" each afternoon or hangs out looking at porn or playing mine sweeper all day because he isn't qualified to do much else. I asked him why I haven't recieved my pens, to which he replied "Due to cost issues, I'm denying your request for black ink pens." I instantly desired to put my thumb through his Adam's Apple, but instead calmly asked "When did black ink begin to cost more than blue or red ink?" He dodged the question by stating that the he can't tell if my requests for reimbursements (forms we have to fill out for out-of-pocket expenses we incure on a near daily basis, because he won't pre-approve any funds for our client's needs, i.e. state ID cards, work clothes, etc.) are originals or copies if I write them out with black ink. Okay, I left the issue alone...on my way out, he had me sign and copy some paperwork that he had filled out...in black ink. I need a new job. These people are fucking nuts...I'll write more about my work another time, though.
-Did you know the War on Terror is costing this country $5.9 billion dollars a month. This means that the average monthly cost to each U.S. citizen is $989. I want my money back, you shits. I recently read that the homeless populations on the West coast are rising dramatically, and yet the state of Oregon can't grant new Section 8 housing until the year 2011, due to reduced Federal funding. Taking care of our own, or destroying one of the most ancient and civilized cultures in the Middle East...seemed like a no-brainer, even for a no-brainer like Dubya.
-I appeased my inner-nerd today by visiting multiple local comic shops participating in the national Free Comic Book Day...shook hands with a Storm Trooper, got winked at by a woman dressed up like Trinity from the Matrix (don't worry Kes, I didn't wink back, as I'm saving mine for you), laughed at the sheer dorkiness factor of my fellow cheapskates, and picked up a slew of free comic books to geek out at home with.

The sun is shining, it's the weekend, and as Ice Cube would say, "Today I didn't even have to use my AK/I got to say it was a good day."

1 comment:

luckygreen said...

Let the bloodletting begin.
By the way, which of the following words do you like best?