Almost makes me want to start going back to church to get my fear on.
Almost makes me want to start going back to church to get my fear on.
With the longest day of the year just behind us, we are officially in summer. Although that just means Portlanders can now expect approximately 12 days of sun before the 10-month winter rains begin again, it is still time to rejoice. And what better way to celebrate than to risk skin cancer and soak in some Vitamin D (it cures colon cancer...I just read it in the paper).
On a recent weekend in which temperatures soared into the 90s for two full days (that takes care of 30% of our allotted sun for the year), Syd and I did our best to fully energize our solar plexes. It was a two-day adventure that resulted in 12th degree burns, near fatal traffic mishaps, and a lot of cursing (ironically, wishing the rain would just come back). I'll explain all of this in depth below.
Syd and I went to Freddy's, where we realized all of our shopping dreams. We bought a cooler (for beer to dehydrate us, and water to rehydrate us), a whiffle ball and bat, a hacky sack, a tennis ball with accompanying velcro mitts, beach towels, and some snacks. After navigating through the hordes of people who also take great pleasure in shopping at Fred Meyer, we set off for Sauvie Island. For those not familiar with Sauvie Island, it is an oasis just outside the city. Indeed, it is an island, mostly inhabited by hippy farmers, but also home to some great country scenery, as well as small beaches. After getting lost in some farmland, Syd and I finally found a beach. We parked, sans permit (we wrote a note for the rangers, informing them we didn't know where to purchase them), and took our goods to the sandy shore. Because of the heat, and mostly due to my sweet, sensitive Irish skin, we were pretty diligent about applying sun screen...sort of. Somehow I managed to protect my back, shoulders, face, neck, and legs with lotion, but I forgot to apply sunscreen to my stomach, chest, feet, and the top of my hands. I didn't realize this was a problem, though, because Syd and I were too occupied playing catch with our velcro mitts and forming our own floater mob gang (simply done by getting enough people in the water on floaty devices...however, they must display certain carefree, gypsy-esque, and slight pirate qualities). By the time we got done picnicking, playing with our various novelties, doing a crossword, playing in the cold water (Syd discretely warmed the water with her pee...thanks, babe), and despising the growing crowds, I noticed a sharp pain on my hands, feet, and front torso. I also noticed a curious and alarming change in color on my skin. What's more, this new, red coloring on my skin had finger prints, marking where I had applied sunscreen to the rest of my body, but leaving a vulnerable void on the other half. Yes folks, I was burned. Syd managed to escape the sun's wrath because, for one, her pigment allows her to tan and, secondly, she was smart enough to put sunscreen all over her body. While our field trip to the Island of Sauvie was an enjoyable one, I'm still debating whether the weeks of snowing dead skin from my chest and stomach was worth it. Oh well....lesson learned.
Day two: After sufficiently frying my skin and over-energizing our solar plexes the day before, we needed a down day. Even though I was in extreme pain, and not able to completely stretch out my body for fear my skin would rip off, I still felt the need to enjoy the sun. That was before 11 am, though, when the heat was still fairly tolerable. By noon, we were at a loss for an escape route from the sun. Our apartment was bloody hot, and if we went outside, we would have melted; also, I could not handle going to a movie or the mall, despite the temptation of their air conditioners. After cursing the heat for an hour or so, and realizing we were close to getting so grumpy we would soon start kick-boxing each other, we had to do something. Gelatto sounded good and refreshing, so we took off to NE 28th Avenue and hit up Stecatto Gelatto. After devouring our faux-Itallian treats, we drove to a forested park, where we thought we'd be able to nap in the shade. However, even the 90 degree shade was untolerable, so, thanks to Syd's brilliant idea, we went to Fred Meyer to find what they had to offer for alternatives to heat stroke. Syd bought us a kiddie pool without any hesitation. In our immediate fulfillment, we didn't realize that this thing was too big to put in the back seat of her car, nor did we have any way of tying it down. So, as we lugged the hard plastic shell through the parking lot, we discussed what would be the best way to get it home. In our infinite wisdom, we figured we could just put the pool on top of the car, roll the windows down, and each grab a side to hold it down. And that's what we did. With the hard shell on top, now making the car look like a turtle, we drove up 39th Avenue to our street, barely making it home without causing some traffic snafu. Without delay, we placed the pool on the lawn behind our apartment complex, filled it up with water, grabbed a couple beers, and hopped in. And how joyous it was. It didn't matter that we looked liked a couple go-tards hanging out in a kiddie pool outside of an apartment complex, for we found refuge from the heat. I would seriously recommend you all go out and get one yourselves.
On both of these hot days, we were able to stay out late and enjoy the clear skies and cooler weather at night. To make ourselves look even nerdier, we camped outside the apartment complex at night and looked for UFOs. We didn't see any, but we did see bumbs scuffle by, as they collected bottles and cans from our dumpster. This was enough to take the party inside, ending our first weekend of summer fun.
Frantically written by luckygreen circa 6/24/2008 08:03:00 AM
Frantically written by Oldie circa 6/21/2008 09:23:00 PM
Put your orders in, suckas. Oldie and I are again attacking the soap market. Fresh bars of lemongrass delight, with an added dash of crushed pear seed to exfoliate your gentle exoderms, are now available at the bargain price of $3.00 per bar (actually, I think Old and I set the price at 2 bucks, but my beautiful sales rep and wifey, Syd Vicious, hiked the price up to speed up our retirement). They're selling like hot cakes, so act quick ya'll.
You can email orders to email@example.com, or, since we've forgotten our log in and password for that account, you can leave a comment here with your requests.
Word to the mother.....
Frantically written by luckygreen circa 6/21/2008 08:36:00 PM
Coming home from work today, bone-weary and sleep-deprived from my sixth straight shift in ZooDooLand (and still have four more to go before a day off...groan), I finally managed to crack open the ol' email account. Not having checked the blog for several days, I was quite surprised to see that I had dozens of vitriolic messages, berating Jeff and I for going soft, for turning the blog into a poster child for the Cute Revolution, for even thinking about discussing such subjects as love and girlfriends and babies.
Please...let me apologize on behalf of both Jeff and myself for this extreme oversight. We'll try not to let it happen again. This blog will attempt to maintain its hard-earned street cred by once more bringing it to you dirty and drunk like you've come to expect.
Fear not, we're still the same folks who wouldn't hesitate to put a blind autistic retard in a headlock. In fact, by the time you read this, the invitations to Kes and I's long-anticipated Afterbirth BBQ will be en route via snail mail (look for them by the end of the week, with all the usual info such as location, date, time, and types of spices to bring to the Placenta Potluck). Yes, we roll like that.
Thanks for bearing with us during our hour of darkness.
In other news, a baby was born with a penis on its back. Makes you think twice about accepting when someone offers a piggyback ride or asks if you want to play horsey, doesn't it?
Frantically written by Oldie circa 6/17/2008 06:20:00 PM
As I mentioned in my lengthy apology below, part of the reason I've been absent on this blog is because I recently moved and was without internet for a while. In the spirit of keeping the blog alive, as well as to keep our readers up to date on our lives, I thought I'd share "The Move."
Prior to moving, Syd and I had been living out of a room in an apartment I shared with another person. While the apartment was fairly nice, it didn't feel like ours, so we often confined ourselves to the 12x12 box upstairs, which quickly transformed into a big pile of clothes with a bed in the middle. After living like this for a few months, Syd and I made the decision to get our own place together.
After talking about it for a couple weeks, we finally got a list of vacant apartments and made an effort to view them. On our first day of looking, just before quitting due to being discouraged by what we had seen so far, we stumbled across a complex just off of Belmont. These apartments weren't on our "to see" list, but because it was listed in an apartment guide, and we were in the neighborhood, we figured it couldn't hurt to check them out. So instead of driving by, ready to go wallow in our sorrows at my roommates, we stopped and went to the manager's office. Unfortunately, nothing was available...or so we thought. The manager initially told us there were no vacant apartments, but after warming up to us and being infected by our cham, she decided to let us know about an apartment that could "possibly" be open upstairs. Apparently she didn't particularly like the prior applicants, so she showed us the apartment and urged us to fill out an application. We did, and within a couple hours, we were on the fast track.
Although the manager made it obvious she wanted us (actually, it was as if she hand-selected us), her aloof nature resulted in a somewhat delayed acceptance, as she forgot to push the application and call us back as soon as she had promised. After a few days of anxiously waiting (we even called once and it seemed like she didn't know who we were), Syd and I almost began to give up. Then...while we were at work, I got the call (we gave the lady Syd's number, so we both expected her to get the call). I walked on to the unit that Syd was working on and told her we had to take a drive. This was a surprise to Syd because, although she was just about to get off, I still had a few more hours left on my shift. She asked what I was talking about, and I told her we got the apartment. She lost it and pranced around the unit, doing a gypsy dance in front of her kids and coworkers. Apparently she was excited.
The deal was sealed, and Syd and I had our own place. I left work to sign papers and get a few essentials from my old apartment. However, because we were in the middle of our work week, and planning to go to San Francisco within the next week, we were unable to move much furniture into the place for a couple weeks. This, coupled with the fact we didn't have a big enough vehicle, we went without a bed for a while. So in the meantime, we camped in the living room on a pile of blankets. Although not the most comfortable, it was an kinda fun.
The apartment is located in a great part of town, not too far from restaurants, bars and shopping. But, despite being so close to the amenities, it is surprisingly quiet. We have a big courtyard that gets a lot of sun and has already been witness to some outdoor napping, a whiffle ball game and some kiddie-pool parties.
It took time, but we eventually started to make it home over the next couple months. We did a lot of price comparing at different stores (we loved City Liquidators, but "no fault Walt" just didn't have the right pieces of furniture) and eventually settled on furniture from IKEA, where we bought a desk (Syd put it together), couch, coffee table, bookshelf (actually, Syd bought this at Target), and one of the those shaded balls that you put a light bulb in and hang from the ceiling (yes, I know that's not the most articulate description, but what do you call them?). Now, after nearly three months in the apartment, we are finally feeling like it's home.
We recently had our first guests over for dinner (Syd made a bomb meal and was quite the wifey), and have also hung pictures on the wall. We even have dry erase boards to remind us of bills and chores to do (actually, we just write love notes and obscenities on them). And yes, we have internet (however, no cable...instead of watching TV, we play rummy and Jenga). Aside from having a nice space to live in, though, the experience has been great. A lot of people told us we should wait, fearing living together would be a burden to our relationship. However, it has turned out for the best...even better than I could have expected. Basically, I get to have a slumber party every night with the woman I love. It doesn't get much better than that.
Frantically written by luckygreen circa 6/16/2008 07:31:00 AM
Frantically written by Oldie circa 6/12/2008 12:57:00 PM
Here it is, folks; our last concerted effort to revitalize the blog. Oldie and I have been seriously slacking for the last six months. I'm mostly to blame, as I've been without internet for the last few months, and prior to that was caught up in the beginning stages of being in love. Well, I now have internet and, while still being in love, am finding more time to catch up with my literary pursuits.
So, for our readers (if there are any more out there), we'd like to fill you in to our game plan. Oldie and I have given ourselves two months to prove to ourselves that we can re-capture our passion for blogging. If we can average about 10 posts per month through August (when Old has to start preparing for fatherhood), then we will continue with "Tales From the Stump." If we do not meet this goal, then our once revered blog will be no longer.
In the next two months, please visit the blog and leave as many comments as possible. This will let us know that people are indeed still reading our ramblings. Also, it will give you a chance to provide feedback in the way of suggestions, thus letting us know if we should continue and, if so, what kind of changes we should consider making.
Alright bombaclots, stay posted. We're back with a vengence...at least for the next two months. Keep it pimpish.....
Frantically written by luckygreen circa 6/11/2008 07:42:00 AM