Port Alexander Blues

I got word from a resident of Port Alexander, Alaska, today, saying that they received communication from Old and Kesia. They were instructed to contact me via Morse code, relaying the details of their adventures in the wild bush. Some of the story may be lost in translation, as their account was first transmitted through smoke signal, and fortunately noticed by an employee of the Laughing Raven Lodge who saw the puffs of smoke rising from a secluded inland valley. What was initially a call for help, Old's pyro-maniac tendencies, coupled with his wizardly knack for story telling, turned into a game of "how big can I make this fire while also telling nearby people that I'm lost." Naturally, Old and his gigantic fire went beyond a simple SOS, and on to a full story-telling tirade.

Here is what the Laughing Raven employee understood from the smoke signal:

Old and Kes were on a walk to a neighboring town to buy liquor, as Port Alexander does not allow alcohol to be sold within its town limits. As they walked the main road (a boardwalk...there are no cars on the island), hunting small rodents along the way, they accidentally took a wrong turn due to their inability to read the signs printed in some weird Russo-Canadian dialect. They ended up walking down the southern part of Baranof Island toward Ketchikan. While walking the boarded path, they approached the town of Kake, realizing they had walked in the wrong direction. Not to be discouraged, they found a liquor store and made their purchase. Old and Kes, being the savvy outdoors people they are, figured it would be easy enough to just retrace their steps back to Port Alexander.

As they made their way back through the woods, they snuck upon a Grizzly bear that was in the process of making a butt-plug for the approaching winter hibernation (it's Alaska, doesn't winter start early? And yes, bears need a plug to ensure they don't crap themselves while sleeping for months). Embarrassed by being caught in the butt-plug making act, the Grizzly stood on its back two legs and made threatening gestures at Old and Kes. Not willing to be eaten, chewed up, and used to clog the bear's anoos, Old and Kes ran for dear life. Unfortunately they had to leave the boardwalk and run through the trees and muskeg. This is where their trip went awry.

Lost deep in the Alaskan bush, the two were left with little idea of how to get back to the road, let alone Port Alexander. When they saw a peak in the distance, they thought it would be a good idea to walk in that direction. This would allow them to climb to a high vantage point and scout the terrain. However, when they got to the base of the peak, they noticed it was not suitable for climbing. This did not discourage them, though, because they discovered a snow-covered tunnel which, in true Mario Brothers fashion, they thought would warp them to the other side of the peak and closer to their destination (panic and dehydration do funny things to the mind). Unfortunately, the glacial warp hole at the base of the peak did not lead to Port Alexander. In fact it led to a desolate valley which left them to wonder if they'd ever survive.

Luckily, when on the other side of the peak, there was an abundance of dry wood and flammable brush. This quickly chippered Old's mood, as he soon had visions of wild flames and burning logs. Aside from being lost, the only thing that disappointed Old was that he didn't have his fireworks (a mainstay of his, especially in July). To make a long story short, Old quickly went to work, building a pyramid of wood shavings and dry brush at the bottom, with sticks of wood and small logs on top. He took out the 20 year old lighter that his dad (also a pyro) gave him a few years back, lit the kindling, and watched the fire develop into a full blown roar. In Old's excitement, he nearly forgot about the predicament he and Kes were in. Kesia wasted no time to remind him. She suggested he start making smoke signals to alert someone that they were lost. This is when the employee of Laughing Raven Lodge saw the smoke and told the local search and rescue team, David Wallen (Kesia's dad, mayor, local fix-it man, water district technician, and fish monger) and his friend Joe.

It did not take long for a helicopter to find and rescue Old and Kes, though it took a while to pry Old from his fire. As you can see from the picture on the left, they made themselves quite comfortable in the valley with their fire, bottle of liquor, and hunting rifle. When the two were back in Port Alexander, the townspeople who read the smoke signals were quick to ask about the butt plugs and warp holes. They were amazed at such a story, as I am myself. It was enough to make Old and Kes look forward to their return to civilization. In fact, they pushed their return date to Portland up by two weeks. They'll be back in the Stump July 12, so you can hear all about their adventures then.


Aurora said...

ha! this is a lousy tall tale--all the geograpphical facts are wrong!!!!! wrong! (hint: look at a map!)

luckygreen said...

If you didn't notice, the whole story was made up. Thanks for your input anyway, Debbie Downer.

Hint: go find Jesus and chill the fuck out.