News Blues

I'm an avid reader of the newspaper (well, actually an avid reader of anything with print on it...won't go anywhere without something to absorb), and while I generally disagree with most of what I read, think 98.47% of it is utter bullshit, and never pay for it (think free AOL service cancellation scams and you get the idea), there's not much else I'd rather do than curl up on the couch with the daily news and a cup o' joe in a nap-inducing sunbeam. Where else can you find gems like these:

-Recently in Prague, "more than 500 gallons of radioactive water leaked at a nuclear power plant but did not contaminate the environment..." I'm not going to ask how the fuck that's even possible, simply because the sentence is so amazing. Maybe those crazy Czechers should patent and market whatever new eco-friendly technology they've obviously utilized in preventing catastrophe and take over the world with the proceeds. I bet my boy Al Gore is in on this...

-A man named Martin Strel from Slovenia (again, those Eastern European maniacs) is currently in Brazil swimming the entire length of the Amazon River. He's made it halfway so far. He started Feb. 1st, and has been averaging 56 miles each day. Yes, I realize that starting in Peru at the river's source, he's been swimming with the current, but that's still fucking nuts. Most Americans have a hard time pulling together the motivation to walk the six feet from their couch to their TV to change the channel, opting instead to be swallowed by their own self-created lard sacks, and this dude is swimming more miles in a day than the average worker's commute by car, fighting blistering sunburns, dodging alligators, and, I imagine, holding one hand over his dick the whole time to block toothpick fish from swimming up his urethra. Oh wait, it gets more savage...this guy has already swum the entire lengths of the Danube, the Yangtze, and the Mississippi. For the geographically challenged these are all, what are scientifically labeled as, BIG FUCKING RIVERS. Kinda makes you want to go to the gym more often. Or get a life, you non-Slovenly Slovak.

-A blogger in Egypt was recently sentenced to four years in prison for lashing out at Egypt's government and religious institutions on his personal blog. All I can say in response is that Bush is a great president, and the Christian Right is doing a terrific job! God Bless Freedom!

-Last one, and I'm going to type this one out in it's entirety, it's that good:

The U.S. Navy says it is considering the use of dozens of trained dolphins and sea lions to patrol a key military base in coastal Washington state from underwater enemy intruders. The Navy published a notice in the Federal Register that it needs to beef up security at the Puget Sound near Seattle. The notice said the use of marine mammals is the most effective way to do it. Because of their extraordinary sonar abilities, dolphins are excellent at patrolling for swimmers and divers, said Tom Lapuzza, a spokesman for the Navy's San Diego-based Marine Mammal Program. One plan is for the dolphins to drop a tag near any discovered intruder. Another is for trained seals to clamp a tethered cuff around any invader's leg or arm so the individual can be reeled in for questioning.

You can't even make up shit that awesome.