Nuggety Notes

Just thought I'd catch up on a few tidbitters whilst I waste away the day at work, waiting for a client who is 99.873% likely to not show up. So let's get mo' crazy than the chest hair poking out of my supervisor's sweatshirt (yes, this is his daily attire...no wonder I have a hard time motivating at the office).

-Checked out a few new restaurants over the past few weeks.

1) Esparza's: Think Johnny Cash eating undercooked rattlesnake enchiladas while listening to Calexico and staring down that fuckin' mean lookin' Jackalope across the room. I'll have to come back here for a drink, but I'll pass on the overpriced menu next time around.

2) Taqueria Nueve: The name doesn't mean shit en espanol, verdad? Another overpriced spot, but with exquisitely prepared and deliciously tasty wild boar tacos. Mo' noisy than a Shaker gathering inside of a 747 turbine engine, so plan to forgo any and all conversation with your companion.

3) Halibuts: The only fish and chips spot I've ever been able to order halibut cheeks at. These little heaven chunks are simply fried bliss. Unfortunately, the waitress overcharged my card, so I'd rather eat fried shit than frequent this place again. Alas, those cheeks were so damn good...

4) Got Pho?: Unfortunately named, and my first experience with pho (pronounced "phuh"), which is basically Vietnamese beef broth w/ noodles. I'm sure it's good stuff, but after mistaking those serrano chiles for jalapenos and putting a handful in my broth, I experienced nothing but flaming hell and damnation for the next two hours. Seriously. My eyes cried, my cheeks pored sweat, and my nose bled. Kes and Annie almost called an ambulance, I looked so pale. I can't wait to go back. Nothing says LSD like a cup of pho, I was that high on capisin.

-Continuing on my emotional journey to hippy-esque enlightenment, Kes and I recently took up a yoga class at the gym. Aside from feeling like an awkward stork, I had a seriously difficult time concentrating on transforming myself into Downward Dog, Rising Beetle, Grazing Elk, Voltron, and Optimus Prime...you see, they had this crazy tripped out music playing softly in the background that repeated the phrase "Hari Krishna" to the tune of Jingle Bells. What the fuck is wrong with these hipped-out hippies? Holy Ganesh, these dudes are crazy.

-I've had visitors in town something like 14 out of the last 18 days, and frankly I'm exhausted. I love you all, but I need a break. Please. At least I got to take people to see Borat a few more times, and subject them to the extended and unending naked wrestling scene. Those grimaces and winces are capital C classic. Thank you Azamat Bagatov, you and your ahnoos are my heroes.

-Portland police are rapidly becoming known for their blatant racism and brutality towards the mentally ill (scientifically speaking, retards). A few months back, they liquidized a man's (James P. Chasse Jr.) ribcage and used his head as a football for looking "suspicious"...not only did he have schizophrenia, but he died soon after being taken into custody without receiving any medical treatment. More recently, a 15-year old African American autistic youth (Sir Millage...how cool is that name?) was walking down NW Broadway, wearing nothing but his shorts, and failing to comply with police commands to stop and talk with them. So like any good Officer of the Peace, the coppers Tasered him 11 times, savaged him with seven strokes from their dick-substitutes, I mean teenie weenie compensators, I mean batons...then Tasered him some more before finally taking him into custody. The official police response to a recent protest: "You can't just let a guy walking down the street in the middle of the night go and get hit by a car." That speaks for itself, obviously.