Pillow fightin' with turtle power

Old and I have been planning this for a while: get some pot, rent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT), get stoned, and watch one of the greatest movies of our generation. It was a grand plan. Things stalled, though, when we both came to terms with the fact that we were no longer cool and did not know anybody who would sell us a sack. Lucky for me, I eventually stumbled across some friends who smoke like it's going out of style, and they aided me in acquiring some of the sticky green. Phase one, complete.

On to phase two: get the movie. This was the easy part. I was able to confiscate the DVD from work, leaving my underprivileged kids with an even scarcer collection of movies to watch. I know it sounds bad, but imagine the alternative: no TMNT, no stroll down memory lane, no excuse to smoke a joint. Come on, it was an easy decision. As it turns out, though, I did not need the DVD. A couple weeks after I "borrowed" the movie from work, Old informed me that TMNT was to play at a theater on PSU's campus. Well now, wasn't this beginning to look like a fateful event. What's more, we were able to proceed with our plan and I didn't have to watch a "stolen" DVD.

OK, phase three. I eventually had a friend give me some pot from a sack that he bought. We didn't need much, as it had been quite some time since Old and I last smoked, and it wouldn't take much to get us high. Actually, it had been two years for me, so I knew that a few hits would be ample. As none of us had the right paraphernalia to smoke it with, we decided to get some zigs zags. Aww yes, an old fashioned joint; a doobie; a spliff. I went to my local Freddie Meyers and made the purchase. I took the papers to Old's, and we proceeded to each roll a joint (one for now, one for another special event in the future). Now, I'm quite embarrassed to admit this, but I forgot how to roll a proper joint. As we sat around a table, papers in hand, I realized Old was in the same predicament. Great, what a bunch of losers. Not only was our plan a tad immature and juvenile, but we lacked the necessary sills to carry it out. Well, we did our best anyhow. Old's was a little skimpy, but at least it was evenly distributed. Mine, on the other hand, was real skinny on the ends and fat in the middle. It looked like a freakin' potato. Oh well, we did our best, and we could now move on to the next phase.


Movie time, sort of. Our plans changed a little when the annual PDX pillow fight was scheduled the same night as TMNT. As it turns out, the two events would not conflict, rather we'd just have to see the movie after the pillow fight. Yes folks, I'm talking about a real, honest-to-goodness pillow fight. Every year in Pioneer Courthouse Square (think Union Square in SF), hundreds of people gather on a predetermined night and beat each other silly with pillows. The great thing about it is not all in the square (i.e. tourists, business men on lunch breaks, etc.) are aware of the planned chaos (oxymoron?). So, when the pillows break out at the specified time, a lot of unsuspecting folks are caught off guard. With pillows swinging, feathers flying, and yells echoing off the downtown skysrapers, the orgy lasted for about 15 minutes. It was madness. After our pillows busted, and we no longer had the energy to continue, we decided it was time to move on to the last phases of our plan.

We headed off to the movie theater, winding our way through the downtown streets. We were on a mission. Movie time was in about 20 minutes and we still had to smoke. First, though, we had to find a secret spot to do the deed. See, we're both pansies and were scared to smoke in public. So, when we found a six-story parking garage across the street from the theater, we knew we found the right location. When we got to the top floor, Old broke out his case of Altoids, where the magic spliff was concealed. We proceeded to smoke ourselves silly. Sadly, we couldn't even finish the joint. This didn't matter, though, because the giggles already kicked in and we were well ready to watch Raphael, Splinter, Casey Jones, and gang take down Shredder and his evil network of street thugs.

Final phase: ninjas in a half-shell. Old and I barely made it down the six flights of stairs. It seemed like an eternity. Clearly, smoking on the top floor of a parking garage was a poor choice. We both forgot about the laziness that would quickly kick in. No matter, seeing our beloved sewer-dwelling ninjas provided the necessary motivation to keep walking. When we got to the theater, I realized just how high I was. I could barely buy my ticket without breaking out into an hysterical convulsion. The ticket vender had to know what was going on. And if the sight of Oldie and I salivating over Reeses Pieces and Snickers displayed under the glass casing was not enough for her, I don't know what would be.

We finally made our way to our seats. As catch phrases like "cowabunga" and "totally, dude" reverberated through the theater, and familiar faces, like April and Casey Jones, graced the screen, Oldie and I knew our plan could not be topped. It was brilliant and well worth the hassle we went through. The pillow fight seemed like ages ago, and just added to the adventure that became of the night.

When Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo, along with the help of Casey Jones and April, found and saved Splinter, the movie proved to be just as epic as we fondly remembered. As the final seen approached, and Splinter (who is a mutant rat/martial arts expert) defeats Shredder on a Manhattan rooftop, Old and I could only anticipate when we'd be able to watch the sequel (you know, the one with Vanilla Ice).

The movie was the pinnacle of the evening, and most of what happened after is a blur. I do know we went to a pub and were able to buy pizza and beers for $1.00 each, but cannot remember how we got home. I didn't black out, or anything like that, it was just overshadowed by the greatness that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Peace to Beebop and Rocksteady.